9 Ways For Women To Say It Successfully At Work

A number of years ago, (and a whole career ago), I was on a business trip in Japan. As one of only two senior female executives in this large global corporation, my fellow female colleague and I were traveling in Kyoto with the Chairman (a Japanese male), and the President (an American male). The trip was carefully coordinated. The male executives were escorted by Japanese male executives while we females were escorted by a well-spoken junior female employee. On one drive through the city, we conversed at length with our escort about the status of women in the company and in Japan, generally. She explained that women's roles were still very subordinate, and that women were expected to speak quite a different language than the men. We probed, "Give us an example, please." Our guide said that when a man wanted to have colleagues leave for an appointment, he would say, "Let's go." The women, however, would say, "Shall we go?" An entirely different context. One communication was a kind of command, while the other was a polite and subservient entreat.
You know what? I have come to believe that here in the US, women's communications at work and with men in the business world does not fare much better than in Japan. I actually think it's worse on two fronts: First, we don't even realize that we give our power away by the way we communicate. We have a huge blind spot about this issue. Second, when we do work on communicating powerfully, we are unskilled in how to express confidence and power, so we communicate power and confidence LIKE MEN. We sound forceful and abrasive rather than effective. However, we are not men. Why would we want to be? Rather than leveraging our female-ness (not to be read as flirtatious or feminine) as a power tool, we attempt to speak, act, and move like MEN. No wonder they see us as the "B" word. We are simply imitating them. That doesn't seem very confident to me.
Much has been written about "womanspeak": Nice Girls Don't Get The Corner Office, How To Say It For Women, etc. The usual explanation for why we communicate so uncertainly and why we are intimidated by men is our socialization to be sugar and spice and everything nice. We have been taught to request and entreat (such as asking our assistant if he/she would mind performing a task that is clearly within his/her job description), apologize for making requests, and avoid making promises for accomplishments that we are not 100% certain we can accomplish.
In my business, I have heard both men and women communicate with a lack of power and effectiveness. The distinction is that once men learn to speak straight and firmly, both men and women are comfortable with this style of communication. Women, on the other hand might learn to transform their communication approach, yet may still be regarded as pushy, tough, or worse.
The most common pitfalls women make in their communications actually cause them to leak their power away like a sieve. Here are the top Communications Power Leaks:
• I'll try. You either do something, or you don't do something. Try is a woosie word. Cut it out of your vocabulary now! A powerful alternative: I am working on x, y, z. I will complete x, y, z by such and such a date.

• You never (or, you always). Never or always are surefire giveaways that you haven't a specific example of what your concern or issue is. Also starting with "You," immediately puts someone on the defensive.

• If, I hope, or Potentially. These are all words or phrases that reflect your unwillingness to be accountable to producing a result or giving a firm answer. And face it, hope is definitely not a powerful strategy.

• Like. There is simply no room in the boardroom for Valley Girl singsong. A dead giveaway to a lack of maturity and power.

• But, or Yeah, but. Negativity doesn't earn promotions. But, and Yeah, but is still an argument covered over by push back.

• Um, or uh. Please go immediately to Toastmasters and eliminate this annoying speech pattern.

• I'm overwhelmed, or I'm swamped. This one's obvious. What do we think others conclude when we say either of these two phrases? That's right, YOU CAN'T HANDLE IT. You are giving others a real view into your lack of competence. Why diss yourself unnecessarily? Overwhelm is an experience you need to manage and control, not the other way around.

• I can't. If you think you can, or you think you can't, you are right! Now what shall it be? And what will you communicate? It's your choice.

• I feel... I know, we are all feeling beings. At work, expressing yourself from the business side of the brain rather than from the emotional side of the brain elicits greater respect and credibility.

• Forcefulness vs. Power. Acting tough, abrasive, condescending, and arrogant because we think this is the way men do it is a big faux pas. Men and women respond to this kind of forcefulness by either pushing back or pulling back with disdain. In either case, we don't earn respect or buy in.
In coaching my female clients, I recommend they cultivate a new language, a kind of "self-speak", one that properly serves them in the business world and beyond. What does this language sound like? This language expresses a quiet comfort with oneself and ones ability. It plugs most common power leaks, and avoids the top communications pitfalls, whether spoken by Mars (men) or Venus (women).


Here are my 9 simple tips for communicating with power and effectiveness:(I said they were simple, not easy)


• Be straight, not forceful in your communications. (See last bullet point above).

• Take a breath; speak slowly, clearly, be sure to enunciate.

• Ask questions as a conversation lead in. You will be the more informed party and can then speak from a more powerful stance.

• Watch the tone of your voice and your body language. Are you strident, whiny, speaking too softly, too loudly? These will diminish your credibility and your effectiveness. Your body language should speak confident (not arrogant or defensive) Stand straight and open.

• Avoid blaming or finger pointing.

• Be accountable and responsible for your actions, and recommendations. Don't give excuses or explanations as support for not coming through on a commitment.

• Stand firm. Doubting yourself hasn't served you well. Ever.

• Reflect a calm demeanor. You don't have to feel calm to present a calm exterior.

• Believe in yourself, and be yourself. Always.