Ambition: A Four Letter Word for Women?

I know, I haven't blogged for a long while. I've been very busy building something brand new and very, very exciting. I am about to transition AGAIN! and while I'm not giving up my current business, I am embarking on a new journey into unchartered waters. Marci Alboher, of the New York Times blog, Shifting Careers ,(http://www.shiftingcareers.blogs.nytimes.com/) would say I am a business coach slash entrepreneur. Yes, I am truly entering the domain of entrepreneurship making it an excellent time to reread Michael Gerber's The E-Myth Revisited (http://www.emythrevisited.com/). I will be sharing more about this new venture in late June, early July, so stay tuned.

So, what does all of this have to do with the title of my post? I'll digress for a bit. Last week, I attended a panel discussion of 4 women - two very successful women, each mothers of a grown daughter. Both of these daughters are successful in their own right. These moms shared their experiences and stories about how they created very successful professional careers while being successful as mothers. These daughters shared their experiences and views about having working career moms, and how that contributed to where they are in their lives, professionally and personally. A true generational expose.

Powerful stuff, because all these women were proof that stay-at-home momming is not the only way to raise well-adjusted, happy, and productive children. It might be one way, but it is not essential. A woman who wants to work AND raise children can do so effectively. What was impressive also is that one of these mothers was a SINGLE mom as well as a WORKING mom. The secret according to her: A great NETWORK of people in her life to help with the care of her daughter when necessary.
Another example of how important your NETWORK is.

I saw HOPE and INSPIRATION written on the faces of the attendees to this panel discussion because they felt that they were not alone in feeling the guilt sometimes accompanying the necessity and/or the desire to have a career while raising children. And they learned that guilt is not a necessity. Women who choose or need to work are just as capable of giving their children great skills and lives as moms who choose to stay at home. And women really a great disservice by judging each other for the path they choose.

So what does any of this have to do with the title of this post - Ambition:A Four Letter Word For Women?

The moderator of the discussion, Debra Condren, who blogs at http://www.huffingtonpost.com/debra-condren-phd/ask-anything-ambitchous-_b_39225.html, and is the author of the book AmBitchous, talked about the issue of women being criticized for having a desire for accomplishment and success in their professional lives, while men are acknowledged and honored for the same desire.

I am an AMBITIOUS woman. I always have been. A friend of mine long ago once told me "You have a fire in your belly." How right she was. I just simply want to create and accomplish alot before I turn the switch of my life off.

I didn't start really coming into my own until the age of 50. And now I have the desire, the experience, and more importantly, the willingness to RISK and to FAIL in order to take a quantum leap forward in creating something powerful.

I support all women who choose to take on new challenges, risk failure, and raise the bar on themselves. I hope you see your AMBITION as a beautiful part of your evolution as a person and as a woman.

And please comment and share your stories of your AMBITION - be an inspiration to others!

Women Who Sabotage Other Women

It's uncomfortable for me to take a negative view on an issue, particularly if it relates to women and our relationships in business. But here it is: women can really sabotage each other, and worse, themselves.

Two instances come to mind recently. The first entails a woman whom I've encountered occassionally in business dealings. She is so threatened by others that she spends an inordinate amount of time telling everyone how great her skills are: at marketing, at writing, at managing, at speaking. Everything is about how great she is.

She is so focused on how great she is, she either undermines others around her or dismisses their needs as less important or unimportant to her own priorities. "Thank you" is not in her vocabulary. Unfortunately, she has a blind spot about her own abilities. The impact on others is that they start to operate around her rather than with her.

The other situation entails a woman who has repeatedly attempted to wedge her way into working with one of her "competitor's" best clients. She has tried to go in back door, front door, any way possible to get this business. Is her approach to be admired for her perseverance or disdained because she would be willing to sabotage a fellow female professional?

There is alot of business to be had out there. Yes, even in a down economy, there is a vast amount of opportunity. At the end of the day, it's a choice. Women have the opportunity to build each other up, or tear each other down.
I wonder if our own insecurities and lack of confidence, financial fears, sometimes prompt us to behave in destructive ways.

I believe more often than not, women are way above this kind of behavior. Am I wearing rose colored glasses?

What do you think?

Shifting Careers - Proof Positive

Fortunately, I stumbled upon Marci Alboher's blog in the New York Times, Shifting Careers (http://shiftingcareers.blogs.nytimes.com/). Here's a former corporate attorney-turned-bloggist and author of a best-selling book, “One Person/Multiple Careers: A New Model for Work/Life Success” (Warner Books, 2007). I know many professional women, quite a number of them professionals in law firms, cpa firms, and other arenas of accomplishment, who dream of leaving positions and companies and starting new ventures, tapping into their creativity, and creating the kind of life Marci has. I don't blame them. I once was one of them. I used to go to my senior level corporate job every day, dreading it, doing the minimum, counting the hours until the weekend. Lunch hours would be teary experiences, walking the streets of NYC holding imaginary conversations with my boss, telling him I was quitting, starting a new venture, but never having the guts to actually do it. I had NO IDEA what I wanted to do, and worse, what I was capable of doing other than what I had been doing for the last 20 years (strategizing and developing brassiere product lines for well known brands most of you are still wearing!)

Marci is an example that shifting careers and life truly can be done. I've been reading her postings and feeling as though she knows me personally. She sheds light on the issues I've personally lived. I had no idea that I could start a business and that by doing so I would become coach, consultant, slash writer slash speaker slash internet business owner.

What about you? Do you yearn for more, for different? For living your life on purpose? Do you dream about writing that book and simply cannot see how you would ever accomplish that while working full time AND raising those two adorable children AND trying desperately to get a stolen hour or two to get your hair colored or a yoga class in every month or two?

Check out Marci's blog. If she did it, and I did it, so can you. Was it hard? Absolutely. Was it scary? Without question. Did I regret that I shifted careers? Never. Not once. I have never been so fulfilled and so grateful that I was finally willing to earn less until I could earn more, take the scary path, live on less, so that I could move forward and make a difference for others while growing in ways I never could have imagined.

What's your dream? If you share it, it is almost certain one of our fellow female colleagues has one very similar to yours, and needs to hear about yours so so that she will have the courage to take action and live her life with purpose, prosperity, and possibility.

100 Women in Hedge Funds

I attended a wonderful event for women the other evening. The weather was awful (a literal blizzard). I considered bagging it, but very glad I persevered. I met a terrific group of women at The 100 Women In Hedge Funds (www.100womeninhedgefunds.org ). The topic, delivered in panel format:
Communicating Powerfully For Women. About 65 women attended, open wine bar, and heard some very successful women in a relatively male-dominated arena share their success secrets for how to present themselves powerfully.

Here's what I got: speak directly, speak professionally vs. emotionally (even though men are emotional themselves and don't realize it), advocate for yourself, and have female mentors who have paved the way before you.

I also realized that while women enjoyed this event, they were eager for more time on the subject, and wanted more personalized information.

Check out the web site for upcoming educational events. The events are free, but you must rsvp. And they close out quickly! so act fast.

How Women Network Differently

Sitting with two wonderful female colleagues at lunch recently presenced for me how differently women network.

I had introduced these two women because I had a sense that they definitely could do business together, but I also thought they would like each other. I am not sure men think of whether two men they bring together will find each other appealing. The bond is about the business. With women it's about the BOND and the business.

We sat down to lunch and one of the women immediately commented on the other woman's earrings. She loved them and needed a pair just like these for an important occasion. They launched into a half-hour conversation about jewelry, clothing, shopping, where they each grew up, family, children.

Then they got down to business.

I just smiled and enjoyed.

They have since made a shopping date. And oh yes, they have referred business to each other.

9 Ways For Women To Say It Successfully At Work

A number of years ago, (and a whole career ago), I was on a business trip in Japan. As one of only two senior female executives in this large global corporation, my fellow female colleague and I were traveling in Kyoto with the Chairman (a Japanese male), and the President (an American male). The trip was carefully coordinated. The male executives were escorted by Japanese male executives while we females were escorted by a well-spoken junior female employee. On one drive through the city, we conversed at length with our escort about the status of women in the company and in Japan, generally. She explained that women's roles were still very subordinate, and that women were expected to speak quite a different language than the men. We probed, "Give us an example, please." Our guide said that when a man wanted to have colleagues leave for an appointment, he would say, "Let's go." The women, however, would say, "Shall we go?" An entirely different context. One communication was a kind of command, while the other was a polite and subservient entreat.
You know what? I have come to believe that here in the US, women's communications at work and with men in the business world does not fare much better than in Japan. I actually think it's worse on two fronts: First, we don't even realize that we give our power away by the way we communicate. We have a huge blind spot about this issue. Second, when we do work on communicating powerfully, we are unskilled in how to express confidence and power, so we communicate power and confidence LIKE MEN. We sound forceful and abrasive rather than effective. However, we are not men. Why would we want to be? Rather than leveraging our female-ness (not to be read as flirtatious or feminine) as a power tool, we attempt to speak, act, and move like MEN. No wonder they see us as the "B" word. We are simply imitating them. That doesn't seem very confident to me.
Much has been written about "womanspeak": Nice Girls Don't Get The Corner Office, How To Say It For Women, etc. The usual explanation for why we communicate so uncertainly and why we are intimidated by men is our socialization to be sugar and spice and everything nice. We have been taught to request and entreat (such as asking our assistant if he/she would mind performing a task that is clearly within his/her job description), apologize for making requests, and avoid making promises for accomplishments that we are not 100% certain we can accomplish.
In my business, I have heard both men and women communicate with a lack of power and effectiveness. The distinction is that once men learn to speak straight and firmly, both men and women are comfortable with this style of communication. Women, on the other hand might learn to transform their communication approach, yet may still be regarded as pushy, tough, or worse.
The most common pitfalls women make in their communications actually cause them to leak their power away like a sieve. Here are the top Communications Power Leaks:
• I'll try. You either do something, or you don't do something. Try is a woosie word. Cut it out of your vocabulary now! A powerful alternative: I am working on x, y, z. I will complete x, y, z by such and such a date.

• You never (or, you always). Never or always are surefire giveaways that you haven't a specific example of what your concern or issue is. Also starting with "You," immediately puts someone on the defensive.

• If, I hope, or Potentially. These are all words or phrases that reflect your unwillingness to be accountable to producing a result or giving a firm answer. And face it, hope is definitely not a powerful strategy.

• Like. There is simply no room in the boardroom for Valley Girl singsong. A dead giveaway to a lack of maturity and power.

• But, or Yeah, but. Negativity doesn't earn promotions. But, and Yeah, but is still an argument covered over by push back.

• Um, or uh. Please go immediately to Toastmasters and eliminate this annoying speech pattern.

• I'm overwhelmed, or I'm swamped. This one's obvious. What do we think others conclude when we say either of these two phrases? That's right, YOU CAN'T HANDLE IT. You are giving others a real view into your lack of competence. Why diss yourself unnecessarily? Overwhelm is an experience you need to manage and control, not the other way around.

• I can't. If you think you can, or you think you can't, you are right! Now what shall it be? And what will you communicate? It's your choice.

• I feel... I know, we are all feeling beings. At work, expressing yourself from the business side of the brain rather than from the emotional side of the brain elicits greater respect and credibility.

• Forcefulness vs. Power. Acting tough, abrasive, condescending, and arrogant because we think this is the way men do it is a big faux pas. Men and women respond to this kind of forcefulness by either pushing back or pulling back with disdain. In either case, we don't earn respect or buy in.
In coaching my female clients, I recommend they cultivate a new language, a kind of "self-speak", one that properly serves them in the business world and beyond. What does this language sound like? This language expresses a quiet comfort with oneself and ones ability. It plugs most common power leaks, and avoids the top communications pitfalls, whether spoken by Mars (men) or Venus (women).


Here are my 9 simple tips for communicating with power and effectiveness:(I said they were simple, not easy)


• Be straight, not forceful in your communications. (See last bullet point above).

• Take a breath; speak slowly, clearly, be sure to enunciate.

• Ask questions as a conversation lead in. You will be the more informed party and can then speak from a more powerful stance.

• Watch the tone of your voice and your body language. Are you strident, whiny, speaking too softly, too loudly? These will diminish your credibility and your effectiveness. Your body language should speak confident (not arrogant or defensive) Stand straight and open.

• Avoid blaming or finger pointing.

• Be accountable and responsible for your actions, and recommendations. Don't give excuses or explanations as support for not coming through on a commitment.

• Stand firm. Doubting yourself hasn't served you well. Ever.

• Reflect a calm demeanor. You don't have to feel calm to present a calm exterior.

• Believe in yourself, and be yourself. Always.

Can Men Teach Women To Be Great Rainmakers?

In my earlier career days, all of my mentors were men. Being full of ambition and enthusiasm, it really didn't occur to me that career opportunities for men and women were different. In my mind, (one that came of age in the 70's). I learned how to navigate the business world through the eyes of men.

Result: I developed a very male-like way of communicating, operating, leading. My relationships with colleagues, staff, vendors, and customers were created as a woman's version of what a man would do. The result: I often alienated people around me. The good news? This was a great learning experience, and a wonderful laboratory in which to concoct a new formula for success.

I began to seek out female mentors - women who had made it in the business world. The problem here was that they too had been mentored by men and often had adopted the same approach I had: philosophies born out of "proving themselves" in a male-dominated world and styles modeled after men.

What's worked best for me and for my female clients? Leveraging being a woman, and understanding how both genders think and operate in the business world. (see my article, "How To Say It Successfully For Women: Communicating Powerfully in the Workplace." at www.ezinearticles.com) And they perform very differently. One approach is not preferable to the other. Simply different.

I think we learn a lot about how to work with men from the men, yet we learn more about how to overcome gender obstacles from the women who have gone before us. We relate to each other differently than we do to the men in our business lives and absolutely must find same-sex role models.

To learn rainmaking from men provides us important clues, but not the whole story. What works for them very often wouldn't work for us. I have found success lies in embracing this situation, rather than resisting it. As women, we have our own truly unique abilities, talents and skills. Presenting ourselves as strong, confident, (not forceful or dominant) females, with warmth as well as wisdom, is a more engaging, magnetic approach with clients, prospects, and colleagues.

Oprah is a perfect example: the moment she began sharing her vulnerability and humanity with the world, her popularity and income skyrocketed.

Hillary Clinton needed to "warm up" her image and communications before her poll results started to climb.

Can men teach women to be great rainmakers? My view is we need two courses: Rainmaking for women by men, and Rainmaking for women and by women. Both are required courses for rainmaking success.

What do you think?