9 Ways For Women To Say It Successfully At Work

A number of years ago, (and a whole career ago), I was on a business trip in Japan. As one of only two senior female executives in this large global corporation, my fellow female colleague and I were traveling in Kyoto with the Chairman (a Japanese male), and the President (an American male). The trip was carefully coordinated. The male executives were escorted by Japanese male executives while we females were escorted by a well-spoken junior female employee. On one drive through the city, we conversed at length with our escort about the status of women in the company and in Japan, generally. She explained that women's roles were still very subordinate, and that women were expected to speak quite a different language than the men. We probed, "Give us an example, please." Our guide said that when a man wanted to have colleagues leave for an appointment, he would say, "Let's go." The women, however, would say, "Shall we go?" An entirely different context. One communication was a kind of command, while the other was a polite and subservient entreat.
You know what? I have come to believe that here in the US, women's communications at work and with men in the business world does not fare much better than in Japan. I actually think it's worse on two fronts: First, we don't even realize that we give our power away by the way we communicate. We have a huge blind spot about this issue. Second, when we do work on communicating powerfully, we are unskilled in how to express confidence and power, so we communicate power and confidence LIKE MEN. We sound forceful and abrasive rather than effective. However, we are not men. Why would we want to be? Rather than leveraging our female-ness (not to be read as flirtatious or feminine) as a power tool, we attempt to speak, act, and move like MEN. No wonder they see us as the "B" word. We are simply imitating them. That doesn't seem very confident to me.
Much has been written about "womanspeak": Nice Girls Don't Get The Corner Office, How To Say It For Women, etc. The usual explanation for why we communicate so uncertainly and why we are intimidated by men is our socialization to be sugar and spice and everything nice. We have been taught to request and entreat (such as asking our assistant if he/she would mind performing a task that is clearly within his/her job description), apologize for making requests, and avoid making promises for accomplishments that we are not 100% certain we can accomplish.
In my business, I have heard both men and women communicate with a lack of power and effectiveness. The distinction is that once men learn to speak straight and firmly, both men and women are comfortable with this style of communication. Women, on the other hand might learn to transform their communication approach, yet may still be regarded as pushy, tough, or worse.
The most common pitfalls women make in their communications actually cause them to leak their power away like a sieve. Here are the top Communications Power Leaks:
• I'll try. You either do something, or you don't do something. Try is a woosie word. Cut it out of your vocabulary now! A powerful alternative: I am working on x, y, z. I will complete x, y, z by such and such a date.

• You never (or, you always). Never or always are surefire giveaways that you haven't a specific example of what your concern or issue is. Also starting with "You," immediately puts someone on the defensive.

• If, I hope, or Potentially. These are all words or phrases that reflect your unwillingness to be accountable to producing a result or giving a firm answer. And face it, hope is definitely not a powerful strategy.

• Like. There is simply no room in the boardroom for Valley Girl singsong. A dead giveaway to a lack of maturity and power.

• But, or Yeah, but. Negativity doesn't earn promotions. But, and Yeah, but is still an argument covered over by push back.

• Um, or uh. Please go immediately to Toastmasters and eliminate this annoying speech pattern.

• I'm overwhelmed, or I'm swamped. This one's obvious. What do we think others conclude when we say either of these two phrases? That's right, YOU CAN'T HANDLE IT. You are giving others a real view into your lack of competence. Why diss yourself unnecessarily? Overwhelm is an experience you need to manage and control, not the other way around.

• I can't. If you think you can, or you think you can't, you are right! Now what shall it be? And what will you communicate? It's your choice.

• I feel... I know, we are all feeling beings. At work, expressing yourself from the business side of the brain rather than from the emotional side of the brain elicits greater respect and credibility.

• Forcefulness vs. Power. Acting tough, abrasive, condescending, and arrogant because we think this is the way men do it is a big faux pas. Men and women respond to this kind of forcefulness by either pushing back or pulling back with disdain. In either case, we don't earn respect or buy in.
In coaching my female clients, I recommend they cultivate a new language, a kind of "self-speak", one that properly serves them in the business world and beyond. What does this language sound like? This language expresses a quiet comfort with oneself and ones ability. It plugs most common power leaks, and avoids the top communications pitfalls, whether spoken by Mars (men) or Venus (women).


Here are my 9 simple tips for communicating with power and effectiveness:(I said they were simple, not easy)


• Be straight, not forceful in your communications. (See last bullet point above).

• Take a breath; speak slowly, clearly, be sure to enunciate.

• Ask questions as a conversation lead in. You will be the more informed party and can then speak from a more powerful stance.

• Watch the tone of your voice and your body language. Are you strident, whiny, speaking too softly, too loudly? These will diminish your credibility and your effectiveness. Your body language should speak confident (not arrogant or defensive) Stand straight and open.

• Avoid blaming or finger pointing.

• Be accountable and responsible for your actions, and recommendations. Don't give excuses or explanations as support for not coming through on a commitment.

• Stand firm. Doubting yourself hasn't served you well. Ever.

• Reflect a calm demeanor. You don't have to feel calm to present a calm exterior.

• Believe in yourself, and be yourself. Always.

Can Men Teach Women To Be Great Rainmakers?

In my earlier career days, all of my mentors were men. Being full of ambition and enthusiasm, it really didn't occur to me that career opportunities for men and women were different. In my mind, (one that came of age in the 70's). I learned how to navigate the business world through the eyes of men.

Result: I developed a very male-like way of communicating, operating, leading. My relationships with colleagues, staff, vendors, and customers were created as a woman's version of what a man would do. The result: I often alienated people around me. The good news? This was a great learning experience, and a wonderful laboratory in which to concoct a new formula for success.

I began to seek out female mentors - women who had made it in the business world. The problem here was that they too had been mentored by men and often had adopted the same approach I had: philosophies born out of "proving themselves" in a male-dominated world and styles modeled after men.

What's worked best for me and for my female clients? Leveraging being a woman, and understanding how both genders think and operate in the business world. (see my article, "How To Say It Successfully For Women: Communicating Powerfully in the Workplace." at www.ezinearticles.com) And they perform very differently. One approach is not preferable to the other. Simply different.

I think we learn a lot about how to work with men from the men, yet we learn more about how to overcome gender obstacles from the women who have gone before us. We relate to each other differently than we do to the men in our business lives and absolutely must find same-sex role models.

To learn rainmaking from men provides us important clues, but not the whole story. What works for them very often wouldn't work for us. I have found success lies in embracing this situation, rather than resisting it. As women, we have our own truly unique abilities, talents and skills. Presenting ourselves as strong, confident, (not forceful or dominant) females, with warmth as well as wisdom, is a more engaging, magnetic approach with clients, prospects, and colleagues.

Oprah is a perfect example: the moment she began sharing her vulnerability and humanity with the world, her popularity and income skyrocketed.

Hillary Clinton needed to "warm up" her image and communications before her poll results started to climb.

Can men teach women to be great rainmakers? My view is we need two courses: Rainmaking for women by men, and Rainmaking for women and by women. Both are required courses for rainmaking success.

What do you think?

I am so amazed by and grateful for the power of women.

In the last two days, I had several opportunities to see how wonderful woman are.

I led two introductions to coaching programs I am leading. One will be an all women's group, the other will be open to men and women.

The women's intro was filled with energy, laughter, alot of ideas being thrown on the table, sharing of business and personal stuff.

The other intro turned out to be all men, with me, the only woman in the room, leading. It was so different. The men just listened. They didn't ask questions. They didn't share much. They absorbed. It was pretty quiet in the room. After the intro was over, they pulled me aside for one-on-one conversations. It was almost as though they didn't want to reveal themselves in front of their male colleagues.

A couple of other incidents led me to be inspired and awed by my female colleagues. I met two very successful women at a networking event. I had never met them before, and just went over and introduced myself to them. We started chatting and the positive energy was palpable. We talked business, family, travel. We immediately decided to network and befriend each other. It was like we had known each other a long time and I am sure we will begin a lovely businesocial relationship in short order. Women tell me all the time that this happens to them as well.

I think women connect like that!

It's up to us to leverage it, share it, expand it, and give the world our very special gifts.

Remember the old ad, "If you got it, flaunt it"? It's up to us whether we choose to play small or own our power, flaunting our natural talents and gifts. I say get out there on the court, and play as big as you can.

As Jennifer Lopez sings, "Let's get loud."